FROM THE DESK OF BIG AL, The Lotfather's Consigliere
The Gabuzzi have a long standing tradition of music and faith in their blood. SATURDAY NIGHT AT VILLA GABUZZO
AND IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE HUMOR OF GABUZZO COMES FROM, THE FUNNIEST MOVIE EVER MADE ABOUT THE SUBJECT IS ACTUALLY A FRENCH FILM IN THIS TRAILER VIEWERS WILL NOTE THE "ON S'EVADE!!" JAILBREAK ASSISTANCE PROVIDED BY BOOM SERVICE MAN, WHO IS BFF WITH LAWN MOWER AND LANDSCAPE, AND WHO IS ALSO A LOT RADIO DJ.
THE GABUZZO LOT RADIO CONNECTION:
Many people have asked, What is Gabuzzo? What is the origin of Gabuzzo, And what is the connection to Lot Radio? And why does Gabuzzo exist at all?
(MANY PEOPLE HAVE ALSO ASKED, "WHY ARE ALL CARMINES HOT?" AND "WHAT IS NOTHING?" THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE MORE FULLY DISCUSSED IN UPCOMING ISSUES OF WHAT IF? WHCIH IS A PHILOSOPHICAL BRAINCHILD OF THE BAFFLER MAGAZINE IN COLLABORATINO WITH VANITY PLATE FABUZZO. We do wish to note here however that Gabuzzo settlements historically tend to cluster around food and wine sources, which may be the basis of the Carmine hypothesis.)
Interestingly enough as the Gabuzzos have been reading, these are questions in fact that the great world builder JRR Tolkien asked about fairy stories in general. And while as Soft pointed out, perhaps it is not meant to be grasped, at least not with the mind, we recall the words of Blaise Pascal, "The heart has its reasons of which the mind knows nothing. NJ org has commented, it is a world which seemingly grew from a small joke. Gabuzzo is a story of family, a family like Lot Radio that materializes when the heart calls for it.
It was Colombus Day 2016 and the solitary Milk Dud (who in all her life had never heard the word Gabuzzo) was sniffling around in search of Milk duds and missing the Padrino, the smells of Crossbay Blvd, the A train, and such New York Standbys as Palms Steak House and the Church of Saint Francis (near Ladder 24, not far from Penn Station), when somehow onto the internet screen popped the Lot radio and the video of San Damiano friars. There in the booth was Alston of Couple Two Tree. Gabuzzo struck up a freindship with couple two tree which turned into a Sunday night ritual, and the way they danced, someone said, like they just did it for themselves alone, comforted Milk Dud immensely. and the glorious dream of rolling up to Lot radio in a boosted muscle car which started out as as Ferrari and morphed into a Lambo for Joe and a Mazerati for Alston. Interestingly, Milk dud once misspelled mazerati into Maze Ratio, which Nick then said would be the name of his next band. Nicki Da Fix appeared at this time to befriend the woebegone Gabuzzo, reassuring her that all would be well, and suggested it could all be worked out at "The place", later when Gabuzzo lost the internet connection the dream lived on, or as Eros Ramazotti said long ago: "quello che c'e in fondo al cuore non muore mai, se l'hai creduto una volta lo rifarai" At that time the old Del Sol in Milk Dud's possession, which had been left when certain Gabuzzis had to duck the heat, seemed to come to life again in the OG false bottom confessional time warp. As dud gazed at the faded Zagata poster on the old garage wall, it seemed to fuse with the del Sol and become a blue bufatti. And so it was that much later, the malandrino reappeareed and mentioned the dream of muscle cars and the place to Lotfather Biker Bob. By this time, the muscle car in the dream had become a Bugatti, and Biker Bob said the Garbanzo brothers would be there. No wait, he said, not garbanzo, gabuzzo. Bob unbeknownst to Milk Dud was riffing off Richard Priory. a commedien who had first hand knowledge of the Gabuzzos. WHen Dud pronounced the words, BOOSTING BUGATTIS WITH THE GABUZZO BROTHERS, an image of the Gabuzzos boosting bugattis and rolling up to the LOT rose up before her. she began to laugh and did not stop for weeks. And so The proposal of Boosting Bugattis with the Gabuzzo Brothers was born.
THE ORIGINS OF THE GABUZZO CLAN: GARBANZO GABUZZO:
As the Gabuzzo family prepare for their annual Ferragosto vacation on the rocky beaches of Taormina, it might be helpful to take a look back in history to the origins of this clan, so s hrouded in mystery. Historians believe that Garbanzo Gabuzzo, legendary forefather of the Gabuzzo dynasty, emerged from prehistory through the cultivation of garbanzo beans which carried the tiny settlement through the lean famines caused by the bugazzo bug (incidentally it is widely held in scholarly circles that the true origin of the name "bugatti" dates to this time.*) The Gubazzo brothers began their annual devotion to St Michael the Archangel, whom they refer to as "the Big Gabu" when their appeals to the celestial bean prince delivered them from these famines. (Coastal dwelling gabuzzis had converted to Christianity far earlier owing to an incident in which Jesus supposedly told them to throw the nets into a particular part of the sea, and they got so many squids they didnt have to work for weeks, months--years maybe if they had had freezers in that time.) To illustrate just how important Garbanzo beans are to Sicilians, the bean actually played a part in the independence of the Island for many centuries. Many people have heard of the Revolt of the Sicilian Vespers, when a grabby French soldier tried to "check a Sicilian woman for weapons" when the crowd which they were part of were leaving an easter Vigil in the year 1282. The Silicians lost control and killed every Frenchman (even the friars) who couldn't pronounce the dialect word for garbanzo, "ciciri".
The result was Sicilians taking back the island from the French.
THE ORIGINS OF THE GABUZZO CLAN: THE BIG GABU and the ORIGINAL GODFATHER who would not love the OG? He was like an angel, not a perfect marble angel but an angel of music, and not like the Phantom of the Opera but like the KOKOPALI of the Basilica because he would sing from the balcony of his home in Sicily for pure happiness, a happiness that the industrialized world has forgotten. He had more faults than a bookkeeper could count, and surely had been to prison in real life, but the story goes that he sang so much behind bars that they had pity on him and gave him early parole.
If angels sing, then it was the BIG GABU who invented the Padrino, opening his glorious angelic mouth and calling the Padrino into being with the noise of a thousand horns, louder than the horns of judgment day. Somehow wherever the padrino goes, the spirit of kokopali follows him, and laughter bubbles from the little sprite like a stream and falls out of his soul like a cascade of balls when you open a locker at some Rocky balboa gymnasium.
Those mystics who dwell among us believe that The Original Godfather was responsible for introducing the Lot to the Gabuzzi in the heavenly realms that are full of stars, which some of htese mystics say are angels themselves.
THE GABUZZO FAMILY EVENTUALLY ROSE TO PROMINENCE IN THE FIVE NEW YORK FAMILIES SINDICATO CADRE OF THE GABUZZI, GUBAZZI, BAGUZZI, BABBUZZUGHERRINI (and the notorious half tribe of BABBUINO-BABBONI STUZZICADENTI who eventually disappeared from view with the help of Joey Bags, and settled on the island of MUZZAREDDU where they make cheese and eat it for a living and occasionally sell some to Trump Towers although this is not on the books of Trump Inc.) They gave an interview last year to Sean Penne-Arrabbiate Gabuzzo, in which they explained that their cheese shop in --well, somewhere-- had been illegally wire tapped by GUESS WHO? and then they had all been framed for stuff that GUESS WHO did because the Gabuzzis couldnt read the complaint and when someone explained it to them it didnt really do much good, and the lawyer thought they were all crazy anyways and gave up trying to represent them. AND BOOMBAZZABONACCIONI FAMILIES. You may have heard other names as being the five families, since the Gabuzzis are old school and do not appreciate noteriety.
For more on the camera shy ways of old school Sicilians, see for example --well, no, don't see.
THE DREAM OF PIZZA FOR PEACE.
In the labors of the continuing vigilance of their neighborhoods, The gabuzzo clan had a dream in which pizza shared with the world would lead to peace in borgate everywhere. This dream is more fully discussed in the Legend of Leon, found elsewhere in these pages however a brief synopsis follows.
THE MARTYRDOM OF LEON MOUNTAIN LION GABUZZO:
Another key event in the formation of the present day Gabuzzo family as it is now found in NYC and elsewhere is the martyrdom of Leon Montagna-Gabuzzo aka Ruby BeaxYeux Gabuzzo-Plustot. Montagna, originally a Hitman (gabuzzese: sicario) in Paris known as Ruby Plustot, planned to partner with Quentin Dumbell gabuzzo and open a small cafe selling croissants baked by Spurge "PIE MAN" Gabuzzo but fell off the radar after the famous Parisian croissant riots of whenever. (It was at around this time that Domenic Strauss Khan was spotted in Brooklyn trying to hijack Spurge's ovens in a fit of rage caused by Greek Economic expert Yanis Yaroufakis, who had recently been mocking Strauss Kahn at a communist croissant and baklava rally at New York University or was it the New School. The resulting ruckus, started a fire which burned down not only Spurge's beloved bakery but several neraby buildings warehousing almond paste which incidentally is very hard to come by . Meredith graves took off after Kahn brandishing an iron fire stoker she had salvaged from one of these warehouses knwon as Basilica Ovens Bakery Equipment and Sound Studios. This entire incident was caught on camera by indie film producer Abel Ferrera (Pasolini; Padre Pio) who attempted to screen it in Venice and was jumped by thugs associated with corporate overlords of the Au Bon Painempire who hate Spurge because he is so cool.
Montagna then quietly appeared in NYC working for Old Tony who operated out of a non descript Italian bakery. The hitman came a cropper of psychotic drug dealing DEA agent Norman Stansfield-Fugazzi, sometime associate of the Liberty Street Posse, when a small child who had escaped Stansfields mowdown game begged Montagna to protect her.
When Stansfield mowed him down and was blown up in the process, the friars of san damiano held a funeral service for him and agreed to hold on to Matilda's money while she was studying at the academy of Benjamin, Brandon and Buzzo.
THE FOLLOWING ARE SOME OF THE KNOWN MEMBERS AND ASSOCIATES OF THE GABUZZO FAMILY.:
BIG AL GABUZZO, MANAGEMENT AND CONSULTING, big Al runs the family in old school modesty. He is notoriously off the radar, and in keeping with centuries old traditions, can only be known by personal contact which usually takes place in a billiard hall accessed through the garage at Biker Bob's Bensonhurst Bugattis. This area is heavily guarded and it is not recommended to approach it without the prior permission of Big Al. Indeed the image above is of Bugatti Manhattan, and is nothing more than a false front designed to fool the feds, which it does quite well, grazie altrettanto.
ALESSANDRO GABUZZO, masonry materials, statuary, rosaries and fine ceramics Sandro is a highly skilled stonemason as well as running the ceramics shops which produce all the dinnerware for Villa Gabuzzo.
ANON 157, "SONORA" GABUZZO, named for the italian version of soundtrack COLONNA SONORA or is it the Mexican version? SONORA is difficult to "TRACK" hee hee, but was spotted briefly in Lot Radio Chat room on the Final day of the San Gennaro Feast of all Feasts, which just happens to also be the day that gabuzzos believe Padre Pio time warped into Paradise. SONORA supplements income from soundtracks of chatroom scat sessions by buidling false bottom coffee smuggling confessionals for OG Mazatlan, but instead of warping the user into the portapotty, warps into a fallout shelter in the sonoran desert where bootleg copies of Lot Radio resreams from 1975 are engraved into aztec chocolate vinyl and sell for upwards of a trade in on a boosted bugatti. If you time the warp just right you MIGHT end up back at the San Gennaro Festival, or maybe even in Paradise, but there are no guarantees.
ANTHONY MOOCH SCARAMUCCI GABUZZO, was once paid well lets just say MUCHO denaro by certain unnamed pxxxxxxxxx to unleash the famous scaramucci gutter mouth, which temporarily deflected attention away from these certain unnamed parties while reinforcing the idea that gabuzzos are all gritty guttermouthed gorillas alhtough they were not allowed to call their charity the Triple G foundation because Herr DXXXX "Too high tone to even touch a Gabuzzo becaues I might get garlic on my riveted toupee which was paid for with your money" was jealous of all their hair and love and also jealous because his girlfriends always go out with Gabuzzos because they are more cool.
Mucci gladly took the fall and relocated to Lake Como to play bad mints or is it bad minton with George Clooney Gabuzzo, badminton games are invite only and you have to wear Malono blanick combat boots to get in. For more on this hypocritical and foul political strategy see THE PRINCE by whoever it was that wrote that oh yeah Machiavelli Gabuzzo gee I guess we're not as dumb as you thought huh DXXXX?. ANTHONY "TONY NECKTIE" GABUZZO, WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL DEFENSE The Fix knew Necktie from way back, having been a ten time loser, and is the middleman for all attorney client matters.
ANTONIO "LITLE TONY" GABUZZO, ONLINE BOOKIE, can often be found at the Borgata Casino in Jersey confabulating with New Jersey Organizations. Whatever that means--
BALLASTRERO "BAMBOOZLE" GABUZZO usually acompanies Seth on his rounds, bamboozling any Firearms and Tobacco agents by posing as a "marketing consultant".
BEN "BUGATTI" GABUZZO, top salesman at Bensonhurst bugatti and Biker Bobs BFF, has been credited with the expression What the Fugazzi, after becoming temperamental when a knockoff Bugatti was showcased at the Cherry Brandy Disco Club in Las Vegas by two fake Japanese billionaires
BEP FLINTSTONE GABUZZO, so called because of his notorious cave man like feet. BEP earns top dollar as a gabuzzo enforcer and authority on all things lazio, and has a recurring habit of giving Revenue agents a swift kick in the nether regions if they question the provenance of his customs paperwork. Example: Dockside Customs official: Pull over here abaft the binnacle, sir Bep. Can I see your boat's Identification? Flintstone produces a bugatti hubcap that says "Gabuzzo boat cleared for all international waterways. Dockside cop mutters, that looks off. whats all this liquor in this shipping container here? Flintstone: All this liquor, sir, lets's not exaggerate, thats a few bottles of grappa for friends and relations. Dockside customs cop: So who are your friends, New Zealand? At which point Flintstone kicks the cop into the drink and says "oh geez, officer you must have slipped! Can I throw you a cork? JAAJJAAJAJAJAJ
BIKER BOB GABUZZO, THE LOTFATHER OF THE LOT RADIO AND THE BUGATTI SHOWROOM, known for his trips up the coast to "scope out the situation" for the gabuzzis and teach them the history of the US BOOM CRANE GABUZZO, (when djing, "BOOM SERVICE") heay set but surprisingly quick at disappearing from view. known for the remark "By the time the brass boom cranes their ballast out of bed, it'll be half past Natale." BUONAROTTI PACEBENE GABUZZO, a highly educated aristocrat who befriended the Gabuzzi in order to lend his considerable credibility and support to their "peace on earth and open borders" agenda.
BUONAROTTI has already chartered the Republic of Gabuzzo but is having issues with the establishment of a democratic government, since the Gabuzzi often squabble amongst themselves.
BRANDO, BENJAMIN AND BUZZO, Marlon Brando, Walter Benjamin and Adeodato "alfabet" Gabuzzo, founders of an academy designed to school Gabuzzos in the ways of higher culture. Wise guys are often perceived by pop culture to be familiar with high fashion, cf "I tuck my napkin in my shirt cuz I just mobbin' like that. However this is a case of outsiders looking in and not realizing the Gabuzzo garb is an ancient tradition which like grape cultivation dates back much further than recorded history. in fact they have issues with certain academic thresholds and are often heard to inquire, what is the letter comes after G? (to be fair, H does not exist in their language) and to shout triumphantly, DUE PER DUE QUANTE SONO? QUATTRROOOOOOOO!!!! Benjamin met Brando at a University in new york and offered to assist him in legitimizng the credentials of the school.
BRUNO "THE QUILL" GABUZZO, "doctored documents". It is rumored that Bruno's forefathers assisted the Holy Family in geting through the Egyptian border while they were fleeing the tyranny of Herod. The family of Giovanni Battista was likewise hidden within Israel in a witness protection program. Sadly, both Jesus and his cousin John were eventually "found out" and "wacked" by the Feds, which to this day is a source of vergogna to the Quill. Quill is currenly living in the Bolivian embassy after fleeing the US when he sold a doctored passport to a desperate Julian Assange and forgot to erase his first draft which was written in orange highlighter and read "Let me the F---Through you rat Bas-----"
CARMINE GABUZZO, FINE WINE AND SPIRITS. ESPECIALLY CHATEAU DINA AND CAROL ROSSI and the "bagpipes vintage" "buckfast abbey"As a matter of fact that is not Gallo Family but Gabuzzo, its' just a typo.
CESAR "THE SHIZ" TURIBIO-GABUZZO, mad sick DJ and chat box virtuoso, is periodically banned for "gutterball" questions involving the portapotty time warp. The CIA has been trying to link him to Mazatlan and Burgers for years with scant success.
CHIRP CHIRP GABUZZO, expert at throwing his voice in imitation of any number of native species of birds, to whistle for Gabuzzos when necessary. chirp chirp has been a guest lecturer at the Audobon Societys annual "bamboozle the brass with birdsong" symposium for many years. COOKIE "TAX FRAUD" GABUZZO, often called in during a white collar investigation because of his charm and ability to act nonchalant around federal revenue agents. TAX will stroll in in the heat of an interrogation with a plate of fragrant biscotti mumbling "ammazza sti cuccidati, ma devono essere di villabbate bakeria." More often then not the feds will succumb. This explains why Gabuzzi often feast on contraband cookies in close proximity to federal offices.
COUPLE TWO T'REE GABUZZI, the OG, or ORIGINAL GABUZZO BROTHERS. Retaining a place of honor in the history of the Gabuzzo clan, CTT are headquartered at Bensonhurst Bugattis where Biker Bob and Big Al preside over the inventory of boosted Bugattis.
Shortly before Lot Radio went on air, the OGS were festooned with festivities by the grateful poeple of Greenpoint, it is genenrally assumed that San Gabu responded by granting Frankie V permission to Broadcast shows out of San Damiano. Click here to observe festivities. Sharp eyed watchers will note SPURGE handing out free complimentary fried donuts from R DOT (or not) at 2.10 It is just this sort of caper that TAX will cut in the presence of revenue agents. PROCESSION IN HONOR OF THE ORIGINAL GABUZZO BROTHERS TAKEN OCTOBER 4, 2015 IN THE VILLAGE OF %(WQ T*(TH
DOTTORE DON CARADONNA "STRAP" GABUZZO, medical doctor who got his nickname due to walking around the hospital carrying a brief bag with an extra long strap. STRAP though a renowned Dcotor at Cornell Hospital is also the private physician of hte Gabuzzi and basically takes care of all their medical problems because to them, ey, a doctor is a doctor capisti?
DOMENICO GABUZZO RESTAURANTEUR TRATTORIA DION AND THE GABUZZOS PERFORMERS FRANKIE GABUZZO BOUNCERS AND BODYGARDS, DAMIANO GABUZZO, RESTORATION OF MEDIEVAL MOSAICS AND STAINED GLASS
DRED "BAGPIPES" GABUZZO Known for establishing a Scottish satellite of the Gabuzzi family Also employs Cornish pirates to furnish the gabuzzos with imported buckfast and other products
ELIA "FATHER BURGERS" GABUZZO, engaged in a covert ops war with Putin/Zuckerberg-backed Siberian hacker bots who were trying to undermine Gabuzzo omerta. Is also partners in the Three Musqueteros false bottom confessional coffee smuggling gig with pals OG Mazatlan and Don Benito "Caballero" Castille Y Leon.
FABRIZIO "FABE'" DE ANDRE, Ligurian balladeer who among other things wrote the song Don Raffae about the ancienet Sicilian town of Poggio Reale, read about him here:FABE Poggio Real is roughly translated to "aposento del jefe" lol NOTE THAT FABE was kidnapped by associates of the Gabuzzi, but never held it against them and in fact defended them hotly from any accusations of wrongdoing, claiming that they because of their poverty were the real prisoners.
FAT GIRL FABUZZO, a Vegas performer and the eponymous Vegas Act which is alwasy sold out at circus. So popular that Celine Dion and Cher ganged up on her and tried to cut her brake cables, but unfortunately for them, well, you just dont do that to a Fabuzzo. SEE ALSO FABUZZO, generally, comic books, playbills, newspapers, cheat sheets, schoolbooks, accounting ledgers, and anything written down, since writing tends to baffle, befuddle and confuse the Gabuzzos. Hearing the words baffle and befuddle, the Gabuzzi mixed up the F, the B and the U as is common with the inalfabeti of the world, and came up with FABUZZO. This is not m eant to imply that Fat Girl Fabuzzo is more benighted then the rest of the crowd. BEN BUGATTI, ever the salesman, simply suggested it would be a good name for an act, and also conveniently echoes the notion of FUGAZZI. In fact BAMBOOZLE almost blew his cover once when he pulled out a bio of Pino D'Angio (or maybe Vasco Rossi) that he had torn out of an old VANITY FAIR and tried to pass it off as a FABUZZO LAS VEGAS marketing proposal . FRANCESCO "FRANKIE V" VALEXAIRE-GABUZZO, general manager of The Lot Radio, Brooklyn and de facto consigliere to the Gabuzzos. "Frankie V" is a gentle, peace loving man, yet is often forced to duck the paparazzi heat in the time warp due to the explosive popularity of some of his programming.
LADY GABRIELLE GABUZZO, credited with strengthening GABUZZO THROCKMORTON ties by spending summers whizzing up and down the Thames river on a vaporetto Because Milk Dud Gabuzzo can impersonate English aristocrats, it is also rumored that Milk Dud is a child of Lady Gabrielle with Thackaray Throckmorton, whie others believe she was born in rural Sicily. LADY GAGA GABUZZO
GAMBIZZI GABUZZO, nickname for any Gabuzzo passing as another Gabuzzo of greater repute. Those who have seen the movie My Cousin Vinny will know that Vinny the Squid Gabuzzo actually passed the bar and appeared in court as a criminal defense attorney calling himself Jerry Gallo, but when it surfaced that Gallo was dead, he changed it to Callo. He then conceded that his name was in fact not Jerry Callo but Vincent LaGuardia Gambino. In the end, he was forced to admit that his true name was Vincent Laguardia Gabuzzo. As a made man, his lawyering days were over until Tony Necktie took him in. GESUINA "PUCCIA" GABUZZO-GRIMALDI, FAMILY MATRIARCH
GINA GIUSEPPINA "MILK DUD" GABUZZO, known for being mushy and slushy, eating milk duds (and goobers too tbh) and also yakking a lot about almost anything Milk Dud was originally part of the "Bugatti Day Riots" in which angry Gabuzzi swarmed the streets of Bensonhurst due to the skyrocketing price of custom hubcaps. GIANGIORGIO "GEORGIE DA GIF" GABUZZO
GIACOMO "JIMMY MAC" GABUZZO, DJ
GIUFREDDO "WHEELZ" GABUZZO, Kingpin of an international limosine network spanning several continents. It is believed that WHEELS, BAGPIPES and THE LOTFATHER have teamed up with BURGERS and OG to lock down all international contraband commerce in the TRUMP era.
FATHER GUIDO GABUZZO, priest
part of an ancient order of mendicant friars under the feudal protection of Papal Legate (and former Argentine polo star) Don Benito "Caballero" Castille y Leon.
JOEY "JACKKNIFE" GABUZZO AKA JOEY BOOMBATZ AKA JOEY BAGS Regarded as the unofficial PR man of the Gabuzzi, often called upon to distract the media by appearing in Valentino suits and giving fake news interviews about the latest heist Got his name by discreetly displaying a jackknife concealed inside his jacket sleeve after the interview, while saying to the reporter, "I believe we have an understanding" Got his other name BAGS from the original JOEY BAGADOUGHNUTS which over time got shortened to JOEY BAGS BOOMBATZ was actually a mistake made by PRIMO SINDONE GABUZZO who didnt know how to spell.
JOHNNY SALAMI GABUZZO: Mortician at the Gabuzzo family mortuary
LLOYD "THE LEGEND" GABUZZO, DJ of the ever popular Dinner with Lloyd show, and according to close friends Burgers and Biker Bob, turned the camera upside down deliberately to "clean up Lot Radio" and "shake out the riff raff". Interestingly, a few paparazzi fell out of some bushes during this time and were politely asked to leave after being relieved of some Lot radio Swag and a couple of vintage microphones once used by Harry Cubberly. Landscape man was also frustrated because they had trampled the Garbanzo bean crop and messed with the grapevines he had seeded on the fence. Fearing the renegade reporters might have pocketed some Private Label Gabuzzo grafts without permission, Landscape teamed up with Lawnmower man and they pursued the paparazzi on a superdooper chopped mopped two wheeled human powered bike belonging to bike afficionado Burgers. While unable to overtake the paparazzi, they inadvertantly won the "5 Boroughs Green Gabuzzo Citybike Tour extravaganza". It was also reported that Elvis Presley and Adriano Celentano were sighted in a helicopter passing over Nassau avenue at thsi time. This is pure conjecture, but instigated a debate over whether Adriano really is the Italian Elvis, or is Elvis the gringo Adriano.
MALTODEXTRIN RDOT "DOUGHNUTS" GABUZZO. Feds have long believed he ran his rackets out of a doughnut shop on Staten Island, and that the monniker "not a donut" was a trick to lead them astray. To buttress this theory to a judge, they produced wiretaps of RDOT saying NOT A DOUGHUT and told the judge it was code for "the diamonds are baked into the doughnuts".
In fact Doughuts was a sometime diamond fence but that will be covered later. He acquired the nik NOT A DOUGHNUT when he authored the Gabuzzo slide which was made famous by WHEELZ in the EZ pass calamari sting. Students of the manoeuver would often say Come on rdot lets do donuts in the yard and he would correct them by saying "NOT a DONUT--A gabuzzo slip."
MONA LISA VITO GABUZZO, first woman Gabuzzo to work as a mechanic at Biker Bob's Bensonhurst Bugattis. She was well prepared for the job, since her sixteen brothers, nine uncles and twenty eight cousins were all mechanics at Bensonhurt Bugattis as well. In fact she origianlly applied to work at R DOT GABUZZO's Garage in Long Island because the Gabuzzis were paying her 30% less than they paid all the other mechanics, due to fact "what does she need the dough fah, make up?" Those who have seen the movie "My cousin vinny" will know that Mona testified in a death penalty case involving a super suds laundry stickup. After being dismissed by Vinny as unimportant in the case, and ridiculed for trying to read law books, she was vindicated when Vinny later realized he needed her smarts, and she was called as an expert witness regarding the year and make of the getaway car. At the end of the story, she is heard remarking to Vinny that she is going to help him with all of his law cases, "what a nightmare".
NJORG "JERSEY" CASINO-GABUZZO. in Italian, Casino is roughly translated, disaster. Nuff said. JAJAJAJJJAJJAJAJAJ
NICASTRO "NICKI NUMBERS" GABUZZO, ACCOUNTING AND BOOKKEEPING (currently incarcerated at Skulkill Prison in Pennsylvania, engaged in the trade of producing photo op covers for VANITY PLATE VABUZZO monthly magazine.)
NICOLA " NIKKI DA FIX" GABUZZO, one of the first Gabuzzi to recongize the importance of learning to read, especially stop signs, rap sheets and the like. For this reason, was placed in charge of keeping track of those who had graduated from BOOSTING BUGATTIS WITH THE GABUZZO BROS. Also, was one of the first to navitage the chat box, and established the now popular custom of ducking chatbox heat with a quick FKA tweak Is also Big Al's general in regards to "the place" and is charged with keeping the place absolutely secure for the Gabuzzi See also, Tony Necktie, sic. NINA "PICASSO" GABUZZO, known for accessorizing her wardrobe to provide a color palette for booth gifs Formerly known as Magpie due to habit of boosting recrod brushes for painting purposes, but the crew relented nad just gave her the brushes after all.
NORTH PHILLY "DETOUR" GABUZZO, works in tandem with COOKIE. If the villabbate ruse doesnt shake off the Feds, DETOUR will mumble something about "all the documents are with Michael Cohen in North Jersey." The feds their mouths stuffed with cuccidati will invariably respond, "where, what, with who?" whereupon DETOUR will shoot back, did I say Jersey? I meant Filly, we've been having trouble on the farm lately. The feds will excult in their detective skills, one detachment heading to nearby farms housing Jersey cows, and the other, to cover the waterfront, heading to North PHilly. Of course, in court Detour will say but your honor I SAID north Jersey, check the dashcam."
JUDGE ONOREVOLE ORAZIO ORAZIONE "BRICKS" GABUZZO, CIRCUIT JUDGE. Nickname derived from his custom, immediately following a ruling of "I'll give the defense 48 hours to hold an evidentiary hearing" BRICKS would summon the defendant, (usually a kinsman of his though for some reason he was never recused in these cases), to the bench and whisper, "Comma', you got two days, now hit the bricks".
PRINCE LANGUAGE "PRINCIPE" GABUZZO, so called because of his Princely height and ability to deliver orations in beautiful language, is not to be confused with the Gabuzzo wine label PL Gabuzzo, though he does quaff it frequently. Other Gabuzzo grape gaffs include the debate over whether Pino D'angio is a disco dude or a Gabuzzo grape graft. Gabuzzo authority Tarcisio Tor di Bocce has defended in an incomprehensible thesis the poistion that it makes no difference, but most people believe he was drunk on PL Gabuzzo when he wrote it.
QUENTIN "DUMBELL" MONTARGIS-GABUZZO, car thief whose fame chiefly lies in boosting cop cars and then somehow trading them in on bugattis. His classic defense at trial is to state firmly, but Your honor I cant be held accountable, I was a bona fide dumbell, to which the hogtied judge is forced to agree despite all evidence to the gabuzzo. Has been spotted in the company of RUBY "BEAUX YEUX" OR BO_YO GABUZZO, a cold blooded sicario who only smiles when Dumbell cuts a caper in his presence (and preferably also in the presence of powerless police.
SETH STRONGARM GABUZZO makes sure your dues are paid up with the family.
TONY DANZA GABUZZO, jolly, grinning some time boxing contender who boosted his meager fight night income by driving cabs for Louie da Palma "shorty" gabuzzo. Later, became a housekeeper and gardener for a high tone Connecticut preppy and became known as "WHO'S THE GABUZZO?" Inspired Lady Gaga Gabuzzo to pen the poem "Just danza" which was modified so it wouldnt sound so ethnic and could be marketed to a wider audience.
USERNAME OF GABUZZO FAME: We have no idea who this person is.
VINNY THE SQUID GABUZZO, CALAMARI FISHING EMPIRE The squid was negotiating a merger/buyout in the firm of Weinstein, Weiner and Squid, Plenty of Fish Inc. but when he learned that the casting couch wasnt a sofa you sat on on a fancy trawler while throwing out your nets, he threw Weiner and Weinstein into the shark tank to have a swim with the squids. Stool Pigeons who were in custody for grand theft Thunderbird copped a deal, and told the feds they heard him say "This is just, since I hear the sharks are looking for boyfriends." The police are still looking for him since they want to pin a charge of Tortious interference with fish fries on his buzzo, but he has fallen off the radar and insiders believe he is here:
THE FOLLOWING INDIVIDUALS HAVE NEVER BEEN OFFICIALLY TIED TO THE GABUZZI BUT ARE RUMORED TO BE PART OF THE GREATER GABUZZO BROTHERHOOD: For their own protection they are identified only by nicknames. "TOAST", observed handing out warm bread to members of the Gabuzzo family at 430 am on Liberty Avenue. "GAL" has a seat on the senate from the Queens borough, is rumored to be the lobbyist for Gabuzzo agendas but deals with the Gabuzzi through an intermediary due to concerns about their less refined members. "JUST PEACHY" caters Gabuzzi events in five star style and five course meals, while wearing a Green Lantern mask so no one will know identity "SOFT" or "SUFFRAGETTE", originally managed Gal's campaign but later branched off into spearheading the movement for the Gabuzzi women to study, to vote, to wear pants, and to be seen in the streets unaccompanied by a male member of the Gabuzzi. Suffraggette and Milk Dud also organized the bodyguards known as "Slobodan's Posse", who are paid Eastern European mercenaries who patrol Gabuzzi territory to make sure the gabuzzi women are not being harrassed. Gabuzzi men are often baffled by these actions of Gabuzzi women, as evidenced by Dino Gabuzzos famous quotation: I let my wife drive a car so she can buy me dinner, and I let her work so she can pay my health insurance, what more does she want? To be fair, like most Gabuzzis, Dino had spent his childhood herding sheep and knew little apart from the life of an open air Gabuzzo. Dino's only comment on when he saw men slide into harrassment is generally "quello la' devi star attenta, gioia mia, quello la c'e' malamento" Alternatively, he would shout in exasperation, MA NON SORRIDI! PERCHE DEVI SORRIDERE?? (although if the Gabuzzini women do not smile, he might then shout "MA PORCA MISERIA, PERCHE STAI SEMPRE COSI TRISTE???
SURVEYOR MAN, a field surveyor employed by the Gabuzzos in the early part of the 20th century to redraw property lines giving most if not all agricultural and farmland territory within Queens to The Gabuzzi via a complex notation system of hand gestures transcribed to compass points
This system was later discovered and tacitly endorsed by Rudy "Land grab" Giuliani in exchange for a yearly tribute of Cacciacavalo and Grana padano.
*Those who mock the "middle school" nature of weapons like jackknives and butterfly knives would do well to review the Movie: Leon, the Professional, where Leon Montagna-Gabuzzo, a professional hitman hired to wipe out narcos in a neighborhood ruled by corrupt cops, displays the traits of an ancient class of assassins known as SICARI. The sicari killed with short daggers concealed in their clothing, as Leon explains, "the knife you learn last--the knife is personal." In fact a skilled sicario does not kill except out of absolute necessity and even then, does not do so in a flashy manner but rather, as quietly and sadly as possible.
**The most widely accepted theory is that Randazzo Gabuzzo, who had only been to school for three days owing to his day job as a sheep herder, confused the names Gabuzzo and Bugazzo in his mind. Since no one had ever cared what his name was, he never learned it, until one day he heard that a single boosted muscle car was worth several hundred boatloads of garbanzos. THough none too strong at mathematics, he was eyeing such a car with longing when he heard some high tone Hollywood hillbillies laughing at his butterfly collar. He stole their car and christened it with what he thought was his own name: BUgazzo.